I’m sitting in a quiet Starbucks without any comfy chairs, listening to some trendy music berating myself for having not blogged in almost a month.
You see I’m constantly running late & over-committing myself & then shoving things frantically off my plate so that I can not only breathe but fill my life with what really matters to me. Of course there isn’t enough room on my plate for everything that matters to me & that’s where I find myself struggling sometimes.
This week we started the school week & although I was sad at the thought of no more adorable brother morning snuggles or impromptu trips to the park, I’m over the moon excited for a routine to begin again.
My life, much like yours I’m assuming, is ever changing. Last year my oldest was just starting kindergarten & I was super pregnant so I happily decided to be a spectator to the process of “school”. I learned so much about how things worked & helped G settle into this his new environment. This year he’s overly anxious about having to take tests, no matter how much I try to calm him, he’s just not having it. He’s a perfectionist like his Momma & the idea of failing at something or not knowing the answer to a question he’s asked is a tad on the terrifying side. I’m considering joining our parent teacher group & volunteer for some of our school events, which I find equally terrifying. An author I love uses the word “scited” meaning scared & excited. I love it & then shared it with my son who immediately lit up & said YES! That’s how I feel! [side note: finding a way to verbalize how you feel is like finding treasure]
So I’m sitting here sipping my tea, because it’s too late to drink coffee & I’m thinking of what words I can share that would inspire you? Maybe more so, I’m wondering what words I can share that will turn around & inspire me? What truth can snap me out of the funk I’ve been in? Because you know what? Life is stressful. It’s always stressful. It’s stressful when you are struggling to pay the bills. It’s stressful when you have enough to pay the bills but no time together. Life is stressful when people we love are sick. It’s tough when work is short staffed or we haven’t found our dream job yet. It’s stressful being “you”, a spouse, a parent, a friend, & a family member all at the same time. This is especially hard when other people’s lives are just as crazy as yours.
When I say life is stressful, I don’t mean that as a negative thing. Whatever comes your way, stress, depression, anxiety, death, financial hardship, conflict, gifts, choices, etc…they just need to be managed. Prepare to be surprised. Be ready for anything. You may not be able to control the fact that life is stressful but you can manage the stress as it rises & falls. I believe in you!
Last Sunday I went to church even though I wasn’t really sure I wanted to. It wasn’t because I don’t love my church, because I totally do. I did’t feel like I had to go or would be judged for not going, because I don’t play that game anymore. I love the people at our church. But this particular Sunday I felt that if anyone hugged me I would just start to cry & I wasn’t sure if I had enough words to explain or if I even wanted to. I went anyway. After a few snippy moments with my family & some deep yoga breaths I’m standing in line to check the little misters in & I suddenly feel arms wrap around me from behind embracing me in a ginormous hug. Something in me sighs with relief, it’s one of my newest friend who seems to just “get me”.
Friend: How are you?
Friend: Just okay?
Me: Yes [eyes immediately water] How are you?
Me: Just okay?
Me: Well we will be “just okay” together then.
THIS. This is what I want from church, friends, family, life, & relationships. Sometimes we just aren’t okay & we can’t explain it. Other times we are super happy & can’t explain it. I don’t think we need to. We need people in our lives who let us just be us & stick around whatever that is. More importantly we need to BE those people for other people. The mess in me HONORS the mess in you. God doesn’t say He will tolerate us or that we should merely tolerate each other, He says He loves us! He tells us to LOVE each other!
I’m grateful that even when I have a hard time loving or liking myself not only does God love me, but He sends people into my life that love me well too. Sometimes it doesn’t FEEL like it, but they are there.
So maybe this post wasn’t ground shaking, but it was me not giving up, sticking around, & just being me: beautiful, messy, chaotic me, who manages to keep moving forward.