What I Deserve

You may remember when I wrote about ways to connect with your spouse in my Valentine’s Day post: Let Me Count the Ways. With the help of my Facebook friends, I came up with many ways to connect with your partner & one of them that didn’t make that specific list was therapy. I have a lot of strong feelings & ideas about therapy that I will have to put into a separate post. But in short? If done properly, I’m a fan.

So I’m sitting there next to my husband, across from our marriage therapist.

Tears flowing uncontrollably from my eyes.

I resent my husband & the realization broke my heart.

As women in today’s society everywhere I turn someone is attempting to build me up & empower me. I am celebrated for my stretch marks, love handles, & lack of a thigh gap. I’m told on the daily, that my flaws make me beautiful.

I’m also told what I deserve. I deserve to be treated like the queen I am. I deserve to be loved. I deserve nice things. I deserve the ability to chase my dreams without being questioned or held back. I deserve to be seen as more than just a wife & mother, but as a woman.

Honestly, it would seem to me that it’s a great time to be a woman. People are beginning to open their eyes to the power of women, especially when we work together.

This blog has been intentioned to do many of those things as well. To speak worth into the eyes of the weary mom, who just doesn’t know who she is anymore.

Another perspective I hope this blog offers is how to treat others well. I’ve found that often times when we feel unseen or like we are being treated unfairly, instead of presenting that nicely to the person who’s treating us this way, we turn around & treat that person unfairly.

Yes, you deserve to be treated like a queen. & some queens reign happily on their own without a man.BUT for those of us who decided to go the marriage route, do we ever stop to realize who a queen marries? A king

So I pose the question: What does your husband deserve?

Have you gotten so caught up in deciding, what it is that you deserve, or focusing on what you don’t have, that you have neglected the person you chose to do life with?

It’s not about demanding to be heard or provided with the latest greatest whatever.

It’s about acting like royalty & not just demanding to be treated as such.

So how does a Queen act & treat others? Here are some guiding lights for us:

• A Queen is trustworthy, never giving her King reason to regret trusting her.
• A Queen is never spiteful.
• A Queen will do what she needs to for her family.
• A Queen senses the worth of her work & is in no rush to be finished with it for the day.
• A Queen quickly assists others in need.
• A Queen doesn’t worry about her family because she has prepared for their needs to be taken care of.
• A Queen holds stubbornly to hope, allowing her to smile when looking to the future.
• A Queen speaks with purpose & kindness.
• A Queen covers her husband’s mistakes because she understands that they belong to each other.
• A Queen realizes that her husband’s success is her own.
• A Queen is an encourager to her King.
• A Queen communicates & allows her King to care for her.
• A Queen helps her King keep hold of their vision when life throws a wrench into their perfectly laid out plans.
• A Queen is loyal, through it all, because she knows in her heart that she’s never alone, even when it feels like it.

If you are a man reading this, going Yeah! Damn straight! You can go ahead & reread the list but replace Queen with King. 😉 All of us are worthy of respect, encouragement, kindness, & love.

Maybe you recognized that this list was inspired by Proverbs 31. It’s no secret that I find scripture inspiring & a great tool in helping me find my center. I easily get distracted by my disappointments. I think back to what I envisioned my life would be as I held tightly to my husband’s hand & we walked down the aisle together into a life that would no longer just be mine or his, but ours. Our life doesn’t look exactly how I imagined it would.

I thought I would be the wife of a pastor. I would have 5 kids that behaved for the most part. I would live in a big old house that had plenty of bedrooms for our extended family to come stay in & rooms that we would constantly be filling with people & laughter. I would be a success on my own with my music & art. I would have friends that I went shopping with. We would have regular date nights. & life would just be comfy & happy.

I didn’t picture all the loss & grief. I didn’t recognize the anger I had within me that would quickly become unleashed when perfect didn’t happen. I didn’t imagine the financial hardships or the career path my husband would end up on. I didn’t imagine the pain the church or its people could cause us, or the hurt we would cause others in the name of God’s word. I didn’t picture the betrayal, the tears. so many tears.

I imagined all the good & promised I would stick it out through anything bad, without even thinking what that could actually mean. When I said through sickness & health, did that include mental health? If I felt like I was being treated poorly or not even considered, how long did I have to endure that until I fulfilled my vow? Could I ever just have a do-over?

If I were to leave this resentment unattended to, I would become hard-hearted. More broken & hurt than ever before. Trapped. Crushed.

I don’t want that for me.

I don’t that for my king.

I don’t that for our kids.

That evening after therapy, we snuggled quietly on the couch as a family. Broken. Tired from the tears cried earlier in the day. Exhausted from life, but choosing love. Letting the love of our family, our broken messy love, comfort our hearts. We intentionally shifted our focus to that love. Reminding ourselves that this love is worth the journey. This gave life to our weary souls. Our family together is worth it.

How did we turn a possible defeat into a victory worth talking about? We kept moving forward.Choosing kindness. Choosing love. Choosing to stay even when everything looked so different than we imagined it would be.

But even more than that, we found beauty in what we do have & what we have created. Blood, sweat, & tears built our home into what it is today. I can’t help but be grateful! When I see the joy on my kids’ faces when their Daddy walks through the door. When they all claw their way into our bed in the morning. When I fall asleep holding hands with my Love. We can handle it all, together, because we choose to.

How can you keep moving forward through the difficult times?

How can you be grateful today when life hasn’t turned out the way you expected?

Do you plan on changing how you treat & see your partner after reading this?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

One step at a time, let’s keep moving forward together.

Namesste,

Sarah