How have you guys been liking our 12 Years of Marriage series? You can read about the first four years of our marriage HERE & let me know what you think in the comments 🙂
It’s been fun taking trips down memory lane. While also sobering having to own up to the many mistakes we’ve made. Our Story. Not flawless. Yet Beautiful.
If I’m being honest [which let’s face it, I totally am] I’ve been feeling in a bit of a funk lately. So many other things are popping up in my life & although I could easily blog about it, save as a draft & post it when the series is over. As a busy busy Momma I’m struggling a bit to find the time to do what I love, write.
So here I am. Having this looming overdue books from the library type of feeling, because I was supposed to have published a blog post about year five, last Wednesday. I started writing about it. But year five was heavy. Filled with postpartum depression, loneliness, meds, mom guilt, & emotional infidelity. It was a great example of how a year can be an oxymoron. One of the best & yet one of the worst.
While I was processing through all of that, trying to settle all our choices within myself, I asked myself, how much do I want to share? Because, I want to be daring. Raw. Shockingly honest.
But you see, this week I put a status on Facebook saying I needed a friend & to get out of the house. I needed to cry & to escape. Shockingly honest.
Here is part of the convo with my friend, in response to that post…
You are welcome to come over with the kids! I’m folding laundry so we can talk while I do that!!! 😉 😉 Not very glamorous I know!! I have coffee & stuff for lunches! We’ll feed the crew!
I’m like yes!! Then immediately feel hesitant about invading your semblance of peace with all that is my chaos & messy emotional state…
Please come… We gave up our “semblance of peace” 4 kids ago!!
See you soon!
As soon as she said please come, I burst into tears & fear immediately covered over me like a heavy blanket.
What if I lost any respect this person had for me when they realized how much of a wreck I was?
Could I really be myself with this person?
Be completely vulnerable?
Because the real me drops f-bombs & gives people second chances that others think are undeserving. The real me sat crying, hugging my knees, fully clothed, in my shower last weekend, feeling like a failure of a mother. The real me is feeling lonely because seasons of transition have this effect on me. The real me is effing emotional. & in one breath I feel the need to apologize for that, while in the next I see it as my superpower. The real me is messy & beautifully complex.
What if she didn’t know what she was inviting into her home?
What if she tried patching me up with truths I already knew, instead of just letting me be me, process through & breathe?
The thing is, caring about others is draining. From time to time we just need to be able to sit down with someone & “throw a fit”. Breathe. Rally. & then care some more.
This is why counseling & friendships are so vital for a healthy well rounded life. I hadn’t had either in a hot second.
So I sat on her couch, sipping coffee from a mug with the words “Drink Coffee and Chill” on it, reminding me once again…to breathe.
Why I need to remind myself of that so many I times a day, I may never know. So I will chalk it up to #momlife for now & move right along.
So what is the purpose of this post? To encourage those like me.
- For anyone who is experiencing life as a little more hectic than usual.
- For those of us that have been struggling to manage our chaos gracefully.
- For anyone who is ridiculously hard on themselves & needs to learn to look at themselves with grace filled vision, like they see others.
- For those who desperately need some coffee, a couch, & a breather with a safe person.
- For anyone who believes they have more to offer this life than their energy is currently allowing.
- For those who have a hard time finishing what they start because, life has turned them into the human version of an ADD squirrel.
- For anyone who wants to keep hope alive, but feels so. effing. exhausted.
I see you.
& although I’m not a fan of Christanese [terms and jargon used within many of the branches and denominations of Christianity as a functional system of religious terminology.] I do find scripture & worship to be extremely helpful. They serve as an anchor for me while life seems determined to give me whiplash.
The following song has been grounding me in hope & grace this week.
So Will I | Hillsong United
The whole video is beautiful. The instruments have a way of soothing rigid emotions, ushering me into to a place of calm.
Friends, we don’t have to be perfect. It’s okay to mess up. As long as we keep moving forward. As long as we keep trying to be better. We will be okay.
The lyrics gently coach me to unclench my fists that are wrapped tightly around things that are out of my control. To let go. While reminding me of the compassionate/faithful/loving heart of our creator.
& as you speak a hundred billion failures disappear.
Every part designed in a work of art called love
If You gladly chose surrender so will I
I can see Your heart
Eight billion different ways
Every precious one
A child You died to save
If You gave Your life to love them so will I
Friends, life is hard. It doesn’t matter which paths we take, who we marry, how many kids we have, which career we choose, or how much money we have, they each have their own unique challenges.
In order for us to have peace through it all, we have to:
- learn to take those breaths.
- Pitch our tents & build our homes in the land of hope.
- Tattoo perseverance on our hearts.
- Keep moving forward.
It may feel impossible today, crushing even. Just keep releasing what you can’t control.
On this beautiful rainy day I’m evaluating what is being held so tightly in my fists & I’m purposefully loosening my grip.
Any control we think we have over life is a ruse.
We have control over how we choose to respond.
Anxiety, depression, panic, fear, sadness, disappointment, they all keep wanting to be in a long term relationship with me. I keep rejecting them. Sorry not sorry. Go away now.
I am no victim to life & circumstance. I have merely changed my focus from what’s unfair & out of my control. I purpose myself to set my eyes on the places where my effort makes a difference.
I choose peace | I choose love | I choose joy | I choose wholeness | I choose contentment |I choose memory making |
I choose hope
I keep reminding myself over & over that these things are mine. They belong to you as well.
Some day when I look back on my life, what will I see? I will see how I responded to what life threw my way. & I’m determined to be proud of how I did! & I want that for you too!
After my visit I texted my friend….
Thank you again for today ❤
Wish I could do more…glad you came over! ❤
lol – you only say that because you’re a fixer & I’m not “fixed” When we move from needing to fix everything to making sure people leave us better than when they arrived, we have more peace. I left your presence today better than when I arrived. It was exactly what I needed for today. Thank you for being you & welcoming us into your space ❤ Please know my couch is available for you any time you need! & that the pain & processes you are going through right now are valid & understood. ❤
Perfectly said! Thank you so much for letting me be myself, and be honest with where I’m at too! It felt good to catch up and I’m so glad you came!!
So today I’m encouraging all of us, including myself, to loosen our grips. Acknowledge our fears in that accompany that thought. & then let’s do it anyway. Let go.
Go sit on someone’s couch. Make your couch available. Process through this beautiful chaotic mess of life together.
It is my sincere hope that these words I have shared provide each of us with an influx of hope to face whatever we’re currently experiencing in life!
As always, comment below & share your thoughts 🙂
The Mess in Me Honors the Mess in You